I’ve gotten a lot of massages in the last 16 years – from students, new practitioners, well-seasoned therapists, instructors, and friends. I’ve gotten massages in spas, clinics, school, trade show floors and home offices. I’ve been worked on by practitioners who knew I was also an MT and by those who thought I was a game designer.

Of them, there are just a handful that I remember as truly spectacular. Yeah, I can be a persnickety client. When I’m slapping down my money, I am super picky and highly critical. (I’m not picky at all when it’s free – massage me Any Time).

This is my list of massage complaints I’ve wracked up in my years as a massage consumer.  (The complaints are mostly in my head, I haven’t always expressed them to the therapist or establishment. More on that later.) In the past year, I’ve actually started a Massage Journal where I write down everything about the massage I received – positive, negative and in-between. I’ll get to that later.

• The intake form was lengthy and irrelevant
• I had to fill out the intake form by hand while the therapist waited in the other room. I’d have rather typed it out ahead of time or answered the questions directly to the therapist, in person
• The therapist assumed I knew her protocol because I’m also a therapist, saying “you know the drill” as soon as I arrived, and left the room for me to get undressed
• The room was too cold
• There was a white noise machine
• The massage table was lumpy
• The face cradle didn’t adjust
• I asked a question about her location and she said “that is very much too confidential for you.” and when I asked a question about some equipment in her room, she said it was none of my business. 
• The therapist didn’t address my neck/shoulder/knee or whatever I specifically requested. 
• The therapist used too much pressure
• The therapist didn’t use enough pressure
• I asked for more or less pressure and the therapist acknowledged my request but didn’t actually change the pressure
• The therapist initiated small talk during the massage
• I made a request to adjust the heat/music/pressure and the therapist seemed put out.
• The therapist’s hands smelled like cigarettes.
• The therapist used a ton of oil and left me greasy, or got lots of oil in my hair after I requested that not happen.
• Got scratched repeatedly by long fingernails.
• The therapist used a jasmine scented oil…I hate jasmine, and had to go home to wash it off afterwards
• The therapist sniffled through the whole massage
• The office was dirty.
• The therapist sold nutritional or health products or gave advice out of their scope of practice.
• The therapist commented on my apparent fitness level.
• With no warning, the therapist left the room after the treatment. Without a clock, I didn’t know what time it was, if I was supposed to get up or if she was going to come back.
• The therapist made fun of me for snoring.
• There was no hook or chair for my clothes, had to just pile my clothes on the floor.
• The therapist spoke negatively about other clients.
• I saw her take cream from a bowl that was clearly used with the client before me and obviously cross-contaminated. 
• The tube or bottle of lotion was noisy. Every time they went for more. Every. Time.
• The therapist didn’t leave a towel for me to wipe off with.

I’ve experienced the last two without being annoyed by it, but because other people find it bothersome I’ll leave those complaints in there.

With all this said, let’s take a moment to appreciate that I’ve also given some lousy massages in my career (mostly at the beginning, I hope). I’ve probably even committed a bunch of the offenses I complain about.

Moreover, I also realize that many, many of my complaints could have been resolved quickly if I had spoken up. Sometimes I do. Other times I feel like it’s futile. That’s on me. Kinda. It’s also up to the therapist to create an environment where I feel comfortable speaking up. That hasn’t always happened.

I get it.

My career as a really picky client is part of what makes me a better massage therapist now. Most importantly, it’s what makes me very receptive to your feedback.

I know how annoying it is to put your money and time into a massage and not feel satisfied with the experience. I know what it is to leave a massage office feeling like the therapist missed that ‘one spot’  between my shoulder blades that I really wanted worked on.

When you tell me the pressure is too much, I won’t ask you to breathe through it. I’ll back off and find a better way to treat the area. If you’re cold, or warm, or hate the music, I’ll make it better. When you tell me, I won’t be annoyed or put out. I will not think you are high-maintenance. If you make a short conversation and I get too chatty, I will not be offended if you cue me to hush up by saying, “Okay, I’m gonna be quiet now so I can enjoy this massage.”

When you make a request, I will be utterly pleased that you are speaking up, so I can make the experience perfect for you. For reals.

See you on the table soon!